My mental health

My mental health

I think I’ve always struggled with mental health, but 1 year and 9 months ago it became very apparent. The passing of my father opened up a can of worms and as each day goes on I slowly see why I had mood swings; why something simple could lead me to ignore you and hold a grudge for days if not weeks. Looking back, that isn't healthy and could potentially have ruined a lot of friendships; luckily for me it hasn't and I have the people I need around me today and I know I could go to certain people with problems and they would happily help. 

During the lockdown period I finally got counselling, albeit over the phone; the ball had finally started rolling… but what had I been doing in the 19 months before then? Well… I’ve been trying to change myself, I’ve been reading online articles, listening to podcasts and taking advice from the people closest to me. A lot of people don't listen to their partners or mothers but guess what … YOU SHOULD HAHA!! 

My counselling should be for anger management, instead they gave me behavioural activation which in essence is doing your daily routine but putting it on paper first then acting on it. I don’t need that, I need something that is going to help me understand myself when someone says something and it triggers me and I go off the handle. Those triggers are a partial piece of the puzzle, once I can recognise what triggers me I can then start to break it down and understand why. One thing I have come to understand is that I don't like being let down, whether it's making plans to go somewhere and then changing them or telling me we might do something and then not doing it. I think this all stems from when I was younger and my dad used to make plans with me and then let me down. I would feel so upset, and this wouldn’t just happen every now and then, it happened most of the time. So I feel I have made progress with that, but there is still a long way to go yet and I'm not ashamed to say it.

I also suffer with anxiety, the doctors prescribed Citalopram, 10mg a day indefinitely; and honestly, they have worked so much for me but they haven't solved the problem. 

Everyday life can get on top of people; work, home life, travel to and from work, all of these things play a big factor in our moods; I need to learn to control this and not just lash out (non physical) at the person closest to me. Speaking is honestly the best thing I have been MADE to do, yes MADE to do; I say this because without the physical push to the doctor’s from my missus I’d still be in a shit place, without her and not knowing what the hell is going on in my head. 

I helped a friend not so long ago who was in a dark place; all I did was use all the methods people had used to help me and he's doing great now, he's been to the doctor’s, got counselling and he's speaking more to people about things so it doesn't get built up inside. 

September 2nd 2020; today is the day I write this, not because I want to but because I feel it's important to speak out. It may not be the best piece of writing but it’s thoughts that I’ve written down for people to read and understand that if you are going through a tough time then speak out, it's the best thing you can possibly do. I’m in such a better place now, I'm trying my damn hardest to make things right and take the right steps going forward. My fave quote for something like this is, “it's a marathon not a sprint”. 

Just remember, you're not alone, if you can't speak to your parents or friends or partners then there are numbers you can call, but listen when I say this, DO NOT ever feel like you are a burden, if that person tells you that you are or that it is draining, then you do not need that person in your life. Friends are supposed to be there through anything. 

Don't sit in silence, speak freely and be proud. 

(Written By Josh)


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